Seeking justice and fairness with ADHD

Whether you’re a parent or a teacher of a child with ADHD, you’re probably used to hearing some version of “That’s not fair!” This is something that I hear about a lot in my practice working with parents. When I worked in schools, I often heard from teachers that a student was getting on the nerves of their peers because they were constantly calling out misbehavior. Nobody wants to play with the “class sheriff.”

While all children wrestle with fairness at some point, many parents notice that their child with ADHD reacts with particular intensity when something feels unjust. Even minor incidents, like a younger sibling getting an extra minute of screen time or a classmate not following the rules during a game, can trigger a big emotional reaction.

But why is this such a common experience for children with ADHD? And how can parents and teachers respond in a way that supports emotional growth while keeping the peace? I decided to consult the research literature to help explain this phenomenon.

The ADHD–Fairness Connection

Children with ADHD often struggle with emotional regulation, rigid thinking, and perspective-taking, which can combine to create a heightened sensitivity to fairness. In fact, research shows that individuals with ADHD are more likely to experience emotional dysregulation due to differences in brain networks involved in executive functioning and self-monitoring (Shaw et al., 2014; Barkley, 2015).

Additionally, children with ADHD may be more prone to black-and-white thinking, a cognitive style where rules are viewed as absolute. While others may be able to appreciate the “spirit of the law,” people with rigid thinking can only see the “letter of the law.” This can make it very difficult for them to understand why a younger sibling might have different expectations, or why an adult might intervene differently based on context. They may also hyperfocus on perceived rule violations or discrepancies, a byproduct of ADHD-related attentional challenges (Brown, 2006).

Interestingly, this strong sense of justice can be an asset. These same children may also show deep concern for fairness in others, advocating for peers or becoming upset when someone is treated unfairly.

How It Plays Out

At home, this can sound like:

  • “Did he get screen time while I was at Grandma’s house?”

  • “She got a treat after lunch so I should get two after dinner.”

At school, this can sound like:

  • “Charlie is not sitting criss-cross applesauce!”

  • “You called on her first last time!”

These reactions can seem disproportionate or exhausting to manage, but they’re often a sign that your child is struggling to interpret the situation flexibly or manage their emotional response.

What Adults Can Do

The good news is that children can learn to develop more nuanced thinking and regulate their reactions. Here are some research-supported strategies:

1. Validate Emotions Before Teaching

Emotional regulation begins with feeling heard. Research shows that validating a child’s feelings can reduce emotional intensity and improve behavioral outcomes (Siegel & Bryson, 2011).

Try:
"It does feel unfair when it seems like the rules change. I get why that would upset you."

This opens the door to problem-solving, rather than escalating the argument.

2. Teach the Difference Between “Equal” and “Fair”

Many children (not just those with ADHD) equate fairness with sameness. Visuals, metaphors, and simple social stories can help clarify that fair means everyone gets what they need, not necessarily the same thing.

You might say:
"Your older brother goes to bed later because his body needs less sleep, not because he’s being rewarded."

3. Help Them Practice Perspective-Taking

Children with ADHD often need extra support learning to see a situation from someone else’s point of view. Use real-life moments or role-play to explore different angles.

Research in social cognition and ADHD suggests that while theory of mind is not impaired, children with ADHD may struggle to apply it in emotionally-charged situations (Uekermann et al., 2010).

4. Establish Predictable Consequences and Routines

Inconsistency can feel like injustice to a child who craves structure. Having clear, posted expectations and predictable consequences reduces anxiety and builds trust in your parenting decisions. Teachers often have school rules and procedures hung visibly in the classroom, and parents doing the same at home can be a good reminder and hold everyone accountable.

5. Praise Flexibility and Maturity

Reinforcing progress is critical. Catch your child in moments when they show flexibility or accept something they initially found “unfair.”

Say:
"I noticed how calmly you handled it when your sister got the last cookie. That showed a lot of maturity."
This helps shape the behavior you want to see.

Final Thoughts

If your child is constantly on high alert for fairness violations, know that you're not alone. It doesn't mean you're parenting poorly. In fact, this trait may be tied to some of your child's most admirable qualities: a deep sense of right and wrong, a strong moral compass, and a desire to protect others.

With guidance, children can learn that fairness is more complex than it seems, and that managing strong feelings is part of growing up.

If you’re struggling with this dynamic in your home, or if you think your child’s sense of fairness might be tied to broader challenges with ADHD or emotional regulation, a thoughtful evaluation may be the next right step.

References

  • Barkley, R. A. (2015). Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder: A Handbook for Diagnosis and Treatment (4th ed.). Guilford Press.

  • Brown, T. E. (2006). Attention Deficit Disorder: The Unfocused Mind in Children and Adults. Yale University Press.

  • Shaw, P., Stringaris, A., Nigg, J., & Leibenluft, E. (2014). Emotion dysregulation in attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. American Journal of Psychiatry, 171(3), 276–293.

  • Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind. Bantam.

  • Uekermann, J., Kraemer, M., Abdel-Hamid, M., et al. (2010). Social cognition in attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 34(5), 734–743.

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